Two very different films, two very different approaches to the horror genre. One thing in common: killer bears!
Cocaine Bear is the perfect example of ‘it’s so bad, it’s good’ when it comes to outlandish films. Take a simple, real life, concept of a bear ingesting cocaine and ramp it up to 100!
What makes this work is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously – how can you take a film about a drug addicted bear seriously? – and injects the right amount of comedy with perfect timing. The CGI bear looks great, and it seems like the motion captor actor had a really good time with the cast while filming; there’s also an injection of personality in the bear itself that adds to the comic relief.
The kills? Fantastic, even if the majority of them were by humans and not the bear. The characters were entertaining and even had some development towards the end.
The downside? A lot of the kills were done by humans. It makes sense in the long run, panic breeds mistakes and who wouldn’t panic with an unpredictable, drugged up bear causing havoc? But it’s just too many.
Rating: 4/5. Needs more bear kills.
I boarded the hype train when I first heard about Blood and Honey. Winnie the Pooh and Piglet on a killing spree? Revenge against Christopher Robin?
YES!
Wait…no?
I feel that three types of people went in to watch this film:
Those who expected the film to be terrible, and only saw the terrible. Those who had low expectations, and got exactly what they expected. Those with high expectations, and were disappointed.
I’m in the middle. Did I expect great things from this film? No, but I didn’t expect this.
Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey feels like two films mixed together; almost like halfway through filming they learnt Pooh was going to be in public domain and decided to slap him in. What is pitched as Pooh’s revenge against his human friend is actually a typical cabin in the woods slasher against a group of Mary Sue girls; Christopher Robin only plays a small part in the whole thing.
Let me clarify that there’s nothing wrong with an old fashioned serial slasher/cabin in the woods film – it’s a tried and true horror trope – but something about the way Blood and Honey did it feels off. Again, like it’s two films mixed up, as though it started out as serial cannibals in the woods who then became Pooh and Piglet.
The story of how Pooh and Piglet became killers is great. It fits. Their hatred for Christopher is valid. How the girls fit into it? They don’t. They’re just there as killer fodder.
A lot of the kills were uninspired, which for a slasher isn’t a bad thing, but I saw openings for something more creative that just wasn’t taken – this could be down to budget, there are some CGI effects on the kills so the maybe the money wasn’t there for anything better.
Also, it feels like a lot has been cut out, giving it plot holes, and it just glosses over the fact that Pooh can SUMMON BEES!? Can I get an explanation for that?
So, despite what seems to be a negative rant, why don’t I hate it?
It has potential. I can see it with a better budget!
Rating: 3/5. Personally, I would have set the film in the 80/90’s, and tied the girls to Christopher as a group of his friends from college to make it feel more complete. It needs some polish, and hopefully a bigger budget will help with that.
Have you ever wanted to bitch slap your annoying child so hard you leave a handprint? Maybe not, but you will agree that Ashley’s mother has a point in the opening scenes of this film! After Ashley demands her new birthday toys early, and discards her old favourite, the old bear suddenly comes back for revenge by dragging Ashley into her toybox to meet her end.
Cut to Jack, thirty-five, still living at home (nothing wrong with that mate) and scaring away his new girlfriend Tara with the childish state of his room. Jack’s mother is preparing for his thirty-fifth birthday ‘surprise’ while his dad is trying to convince him to learn some DIY; Jack would rather play video games in his room when tragedy strikes in the kitchen: Jack’s dad is killed when his dodgy DIY shelf drops a heavy art piece on his head, which causes his mum to slip and fall face first into the cheese skewers – the many toothpicks piercing her face.
Ten months later, Jack is falling behind on the mortgage payments; Dave of Bayvista Finance graciously lowers the payments but Jack still has to make the first payment by friday. Jack heads to work at ToyBox, where Richard (who pronounces it Rishard) is top dog with his robot product Rosko; Jack’s presentation falls flat when his robot is mistakenly called A.I.D.S instead of R.A.I.D.S, he stays late to think of a new idea when Richard tells him his job is at risk. Ron, Jack’s boss, who stutters on words starting with F, begins searching for him; Jack dodges him for a moment, only to be cornered at the lift.
Ron offers Jack a new position and pay cut, rather than firing him, and Jack heads home; he begins to clear out all the childish things from his room to store in the basement – including his favourite teddy: Benny. Benny takes offence to this and comes alive, massarcering all the other toys that Jack once loved.
Would you suspect such a cute toy?
Jack calls the police, who are less than helpful and are only interested in Jack’s custard creams (when bourbons are the true king of biscuits). Jack heads to work where he meets Dawn, his new supervisor, who covers for him when he still doesn’t have any new ideas; back home, he ignores the messages from Dave about the payments. The next morning, he finds Dave’s head in his bed and the body in the kitchen, where Benny has made him breakfast.
The cops turn up at the door suddenly, and Jack performs the fastest crime scene cover up in history, while the cops dawdle outside and let him! They come inside to get the camera they left behind and ask about Dave, who has suddenly gone missing and his car is just down the street, unbeknownst to them that his headless body is stuffed into the cupboard behind them; when they leave, the body falls from its hiding place and Benny reveals that he’s alive. Unsure what to do, they simply bury Dave in the garden and Jack makes Benny promise not to kill again. Although, there’s the incident shortly after with a cat…
During their bonding time, Benny is watching a horror film which gives Jack an idea: Scare Bears, targeted at horror fans; with Benny as his muse, and Dawn backing the project, Jack’s new idea takes off and gives him the confidence to date Dawn. They agree on a night to get together, but Ron pressures him to dogsit his Pug, Precious, at the same time.
While at work, a realtor shows Jack’s home to Tara who immediately recognises it; while he shows her around there is foreshadowing of her coming face-to-face with Benny, who kills the realtor with the For Sale sign; Tara escapes to the loft, but has no means of calling for help. Jack returns home to a bloody mess.
Nobody puts Benny in a box!
Jack locks Benny in the basement again with some comics to entertain himself; however, Jack’s growing feelings for Dawn tempts the cuddly toy into escaping. Ron drops Precious off, and initially Benny chooses to ignore her – until Jack exclaims that he loves dogs in order to impress Dawn. While Benny takes care of his latest rival (poor dog!), Dawn explains that just before one of her birthdays in her childhood, her favourite doll Amy went missing; she claims her dad threw it out and he denied it, but the night before her birthday Amy suddenly appeared again, killing her parents and disappearing once more.
During her tale, Benny shows Jack what he’s done to Precious, causing him to leave Dawn while she’s talking to clean up the mess; he begins to panic, suggesting that they rearrange the date, but undeterred Dawn leads him upstairs to seduce him. Jack slips away for a moment, trying to figure out how he’s going to explain everything to his boss and searches for Benny – who is going after Dawn; to keep their secret, Jack beats the corpse of the dead dog further, making out the Pug was going to attack her, and throws it out the window onto Ron’s car.
Jack loses his job, as he leaves the building the cops are waiting and show him the pictures of Benny they found on the camera. At home, he ignores Benny, who tries to make it up with a surprise birthday party, but Jack remains angry which causes the toy to get creative: he kidnaps Ron as a present! Jack manages to twist the situation in his favour, convincing Ron to give his job back – with a pay rise – until Jack makes his boss confess that he loves being Jack’s bitch, upsetting Benny.
Last straw. Jack traps his old toy in the prop coffin for Scare Bears and buries him deep in the woods; Dawn arrives at his home to pick Benny up, initially mistaking him for the Scare Bears prototype, and the pair make up.
Benny makes his way back home and leaves threatening messages around the house that Dawn simply walks past while she gets ready for work, and Benny hitches a ride on the top of her car to follow her to work; Jack wakes soon after and realises when Benny is up to, he rushes to ToyBox where he finds Dawn, Richard and some other colleagues with Benny in the break room. Jack tries to explain that Benny is alive, and it’s only when Jack tells Richard he ‘really fucking loves’ him, that Benny becomes jealous and stabs Richard in the hand; the trio manage to escape and trap Benny in the break room…with everyone else still inside…
Back at the house, Jack explains that Benny, although sweet, is easily jealous and is after Dawn and Richard – Dawn because he loves her, and Richard because he’s a tit, all the while Benny is gearing up for his revenge and the trio begin a Home Alone style defence around the house, complete with flamethrowers and the R.A.I.D.S robot armed with an electric saw.
Jack makes Dawn wait upstairs, where she finds a gift for her from Jack – only for it to actually be from Benny, he found Amy online at an antique store. Downstairs, Jack and Richard wait for Benny, who breaks in through the toilet; they’re separated when Dawn screams for help and Jack takes on Benny with R.A.I.D.S. In another room, Rosko appears for his revenge on Richard, scorned for being dumped to take over the Scare Bears project; Rosko manages to slash Richard across the stomach and then suck out his guts with vacuum before moving on to find another victim.
Rosko wants a piece of the action with Benny
As victor against R.A.I.D.S Benny corners Jack, but when Rosko tries to take the kill Benny turns on him; the pair duke it out and Jack saves Benny from Rosko with one of the traps, hoping to make amends there Benny instead heads for Dawn who has destroyed Amy.
The cops arrive as Benny takes Dawn hostage. Jack tells him that this will be the last time they see each other as he can’t follow where Jack will go; they share a sweet moment before Benny leaps through the window to face the cops, who unload BB pellets into him.
Unsure how to explain everything to anyone, Jack, Dawn and the cops pin the whole thing on the dead Richard; Jack finally decides to move on, packing everything into Dawn’s car – including the hole riddled Benny…
And Tara? She never left the loft.
5/5: I love this film so much I’m practically obsessed! Benny is so adorable in every way, I can’t wait for the recently announced doll to release. The film itself is well paced, funny in every scene – including the credits – and even tear jerking; you can tell Karl, who wrote, directed and starred in the film, put his heart and soul into this project. I cannot recommend this delightful flick enough.
As if last year wasn’t bad enough, I find out there’s a ‘soft reboot’ /sequel to the amazing film The Craft! I don’t remember asking for one, nor did anyone else for that matter.
Let’s talk the very few similarities: new girl moves to town, new girl has fear of snakes, new girl is naturally gifted. That checks all the boxes so far. Love spell on the asshole bully. Check. Asshole bully becomes woke…
Wait, what?
Back to that later. There are other subtle nods to the original film, if you squint; and while the young coven claim to be witches, what they do is child’s play compared to the ’96 version.
The ’96 version was an edgy work of art that pointed my teenage self (way back when) into the arms of Paganism and Wicca; like many before me, I was in awe of what the girls accomplished in the film and yet not all that disappointed to learn it was, in places, exaggerated. The characters in the ’96 Craft were deep and relatable – particularly if you were a social outcast in high school – and the film’s character development was well paced, with each coven member having a reason for their spells, and a satisfying ending; it also teaches you lessons about the real craft of being a witch, that your actions have consequences.
Three times three, make them see…
What do we know about the ’96 coven? Sarah’s mother died in childbirth and she was also a witch, Nancy wants out of her trailer-trash life, Bonnie’s body is badly scarred from a childhood accident, and Rochelle is racially abused by a member of the diving team.
What do we learn about the 2020 coven? Lilly is a natural witch, Lourdes is trans (I think? It was mentioned so briefly in passing), Tabby wants more ‘black friends’ and Frankie…um…Frankie wants Lilly’s stepbrother’s dick?
So not a lot, at least nothing in depth and hardly relatable; they had a foundation to build on with Lourdes’ trans character, but quickly brush it under the carpet, instead they only focus on Lilly and the other coven members get pushed to the background.
I present: Ultra-woke Man!
The 2020 version is so incredibly woke it’s boring – except the main wokeness is only about the misogyny the men around the coven have; from Timmy’s sexist behaviour to Lilly’s stepdad’s masculinity seminars and groups, the anti-misogyny slaps you so hard in the face your head spins and it overshadows a film that is supposed to be about witchcraft and sisterhood.
The only real spell the girls do is the one that makes Timmy become more sensitive to women’s issues and gay rights – and later a binding spell against Lilly; there’s no shapeshifting or glamour spells, or any real witchcraft rituals.
Less Craft, more…teen Charmed
The ending is anti-climatic, the big, bad boss fight is a fizzle and then the plot twist…
Lilly is Nancy’s daughter!
Nancy’s still crazy
If you don’t remember how the ’96 film ended, Nancy was locked up in the funny-farm and, according to this film, never left; how is Lilly hers? You’d have to speculate two options:
Nancy did get out at one point and ended up back in there sometime after Lilly was born.
Nancy never left, too traumatised by her battle with Sarah, and possibly taken advantage of by a male orderly in the hospital leading to Lilly’s adoption.
Who knows? Not us, apparently not the writer either because they don’t care to give us a reason.
In conclusion, stick to the ’96 Craft, but if you have to watch the…’sequel’ then have the original on hand to cleanse the soul.
Welcome to the first Rapid-fire Review, the place where I quickly review a bunch of horror films with my S/O. Let’s get started!
10 Cloverfield Lane
Well paced film with a poor ending
As much as I hated Cloverfield (especially if you know I normally hate found footage films), knowing that 10 Cloverfield Lane isn’t exactly attached to it – just part of an anthology – I felt giving it a go only seemed fair.
If you were to wake up after an accident in an underground bunker, with some guy telling you the world ended would you believe him? Some signs point to yes, others shout at you that this dude has an unhealthy obsession with his daughter and you’re her replacement.
Spoiler, it’s both. I was actually disappointed that crazy bunker man was right, the world was invaded by aliens – but that’s just J. J Abrams for you.
4/5 just for the disappointing ending.
Benny Loves You
Mother T’razor is my favourite Benny costume!
Your toys love you more than you think, and there are consequences when you try to throw them away…
In this dark British comedy, stuffed toy Benny won’t be thrown away so easily, he just loves you so much he’ll even kill for you! This film turned out way different from what I expected; instead of Benny terrorising his owner, he becomes the inspiration his best friend needs in order to keep his job – and murders everything else that person might love!
Originally 10/5 for cute dog, but lost 5 points for what they did to it. Solid 5/5 for hilarity and cuteness, I very much love Benny too.
Cleaver: Rise of the Killer Clowns & Cleavers
I’m still wondering how it got a sequel…
When a husband catches his wife in bed with another man, he dons a clown outfit and slaughters them both; a year later, on Halloween, he’s back to claim what is his…the daughter he left behind – hunting down every girl her age in foster care, and killing anyone in the way.
The first film is a poor, green washed, poorly directed and obviously dodgy effects with toy cars and tights for intestines; so imagine our surprise when we discovered a sequel! While Cleavers has much better lighting and effects – and a budget as a whole – the acting it still flat and Cleaver the Clown was better without lines of his own.
2/5: For slight improvement.
Slashers
Ummm…
If Takeshi’s Castle was a horror theme show instead of an obstacle course, it would be this…but better! Slashers is a Japanese game show where six contestants try to survive long enough against three killers to with a cash prize, but everything is real, including the blood!
A special show invites six Americans to face Preacherman, Chainsaw Charlie and Dr. Ripper; if contestants kill one of the serial killers, more money is added to the prize. Dr. Ripper has an obsession with the girls boobs, Preacherman is kind of boring but I could have watched a film around Chainsaw Charlie! It’s well paced, but the acting is horrible and the effects are a bit hit and miss.
3.5/5: Curiously entertaining for a cheesy slasher film, but fits in well for a Japanese style game show.
Curse of the Scarecrow
Don’t play the traffic light game with a killer scarecrow!
This could have been something great, with a good lore and backstory; after a man is brutally murdered by the locals, he vows revenge and fulfills that promise every twenty years. In a small British town, one young woman faces her past by returning to the farm where her parents were murdered twenty years previously, and her brother ‘committed suicide’ more recently. She takes her best friend, and her shrink with her; her friend is there for moral support and her shrink tries to use the time to convince her that a scarecrow didn’t murder her parents.
It wasn’t a bad film, but the script lacked obvious dialogue as characters would often repeat the same lines they’ve just said in the same scene; there’s also a part where the friend, in the above picture, is oblivious the scarecrow is alive when it has obviously moved from the back wall where she found it!!
3/5: I liked it, but it needed something more? It needed a less obvious twist to it for sure, though.
Clowntergeist
Not for those with a phobia
Clowntergeist started off strong with the killer clown trope, a monster clown that gives you the date and time of your demise; however…it slows down…A LOT, it felt a lot longer than the hour and a half-ish length.
We found it difficult to fathom why the clown kept tormenting his victim before her actual date of death – to increase her already fear of clowns? She already had a phobia, how much more scared can she get? Or why the clown was going after other people too? Like her friends.
2/5: Drags on far too long, didn’t make much sense for something with potential.
Fantasy Island
Is this really a horror?
I’ve never seen the original TV series, but I can sum up the film plot in one sentence:
Girl gets revenge for not getting the dick of the guy she met once.
Honestly though, it’s a good film! The premise of people’s fantasies not turning out the way they hoped was really cool, and I enjoyed figuring out what would go wrong. The characters are great, I loved the way some of the fantasies overlapped into one another but the main reason for the revenge is just so stupid!
4/5: Seriously could have been full marks if it wasn’t for that stupid reason for revenge, it let the whole film down.
It’s a seemingly normal flight to Paris on the flight Concord 239; Pilot Ray and Co-Pilot Randy are discussing Ray’s retirement plans after landing in Paris. Ray mentions that there is special government cargo in the hold, and if anything strange happens they should contact the scientists on board; one of them is down below in the hold, watching over a cold container.
In business class, Lucas and Sebastian are arguing over the cargo they’re transporting; it is revealed that the cargo is Lucas’ infected wife, Kelly, and he’s worried something may happen to cause the virus to escape; Bennett, the CEO of MedCon calms them down and tells them to keep a low profile.
Meanwhile, we’re introduced to various character dotted about the plane; the Stewardesses: Megan, Emily and Stacey, Agent Burrows and his prisoner Frank, undercover TSA Agent Judd, Pro Golfer Billy and wife Anna, and a pair of young couples.
Concord 239 has to fly through a storm, causing severe turbulence and causing scientist Kevin, in the cargo hold, to be injured by a box falling on his leg; the freezer containing Kelly also malfunctions and she climbs out, confused and disorientated but seemingly normal, until Kevin kills her and she comes back as the undead to eat him.
While Megan and crew run around looking after passengers, and while two on the young couple cheat on their partners in the toilets, Ray tells Randy to take the remaining scientists to check the cargo; Lucas and Sebastian reluctantly go but are attacked by Kelly and Kevin – Randy heads back up to the cockpit to tell Ray.
Meanwhile, another round of turbulence knocks Burrows unconscious, allowing Frank to get out of the cuff and hide; Megan rouses Burrows and he begins the hunt for Frank, assuring her that Frank is just a conman and mostly harmless. In the cockpit, Ray calls for the TSA agent and Randy explains the situation; some wires are crossed and it’s assumed that Frank is the attacker, leading Judd to invite Burrows to the cargo hold to look for him.
Chow time!
Kelly and her fellow undead have gotten out of the hold through the ducts and into the main plane. The infected spread quickly, killing one passenger or crew member after another.
At the Pentagon, the military are trying to convince the higher-ups that Concord 239 has to be destroyed, Bennett’s team created the virus from a strain of Malaria with the intention of making it into a bioweapon to make super soldiers; MedCon are illegally transporting Kelly and they’re concerned now that contact has been lost with the plane – they send a jet to blow it out of the sky.
Last ones alive?
Burrows and Judd make it back to the main plane, but the undead are already out of control; they find survivors Megan, Frank, Billy and Anna barricaded in the tail end of the plane while the undead continue to pull victims into the cargo hold to eat. When Megan can’t reach anyone in the cockpit they’re positive the Pilot is dead and that someone needs to land the plane; Frank knows how and reluctantly agrees to help, he heads to the cockpit with Burrows with the aid of Billy, who is bitten – his wife rushes to help him and she’s also bitten, the pair are cornered by an emergency door and undead Bennett approaches. Billy opens the door, sucking the undead out and Bennett is caught in one of the engines – causing it to catch fire.
The fighter jet has arrived and fires when he believes no one is left alive; Frank manages to gain control of the plane just in time and the jet pilot abords the missile, however, it still blows a hole in the side of Concord and sucks more undead out, causing one still strapped to the seat to collide with the jet. In the cockpit, Frank and Burrows manage to land as safely as possible, leaving them, Megan and Judd the only survivors.
As they make their way to civilization, some of the undead have survived, including Bennett and Kelly…
Bennett might be just as smart undead…
5/5: Full marks! It’s a good, uncomplicated zombie film with very little to complain about; it’s well paced, well thought out and well executed – and, I must admit, the theme Among the Dead is a brilliant music track!
During an exorcism ritual, the possessed Hannah Grace kills one priest and almost kills the other by choking him while suspended in midair; her father, Grainger, then suffocates her to death using a pillow.
Unless you can twist like a pretzel, I’m not scared, hon.
Three months later, Megan Reed, an ex-cop with the Boston Police Department gets a night shift job in the Boston Metro Hospital’s morgue as an intake assistant.
During Megan’s first shift, a man tries to convince her to let him into the building, but she finds him suspicious and informs the two security guards Ernie and Dave. However, shortly after, Megan helps EMT Randy to move the corpse of a brutally murdered young woman into the building and the man secretly enters the building. Randy tells Megan a man stabbed Hannah to death and was then caught in the act trying to burn her body in an alleyway.
When Megan tries to fingerprint and photograph Hannah’s corpse, the camera explodes and the computer breaks when she tries to run the prints. Other strange things occur and Megan has a panic attack, she reaches for some pills and we learn that struggles with depression and an addiction to pills after her patrol partner was shot dead by a criminal whom she failed to subdue.
Once settled again, she notices that Hannah’s bright blue eye color does not match the one listed on her driver’s license.
Megan soon encounters Grainger who had invaded the building trying to drag Hannah’s corpse through the building. Alongside with the two security guards Ernie and Dave, Megan manages to subdue Grainger. The latter screams Hannah’s corpse must be burnt because she isn’t really dead, but they do not listen to him and have him arrested by the police.
Megan’s ex-boyfriend, Andrew, is still employed as an officer and responds to the scene. He agrees to help Megan identify the corpse after she tells him about the color of Hannah’s eyes. Meanwhile, Hannah kills Dave by telekinetically lifting his body across the ceiling and into her refrigerated drawer in the morgue where she breaks his body.
Later, after a strange encounter in the toilets, Megan notices that some of the wounds on Hannah are missing, as if they had healed by themselves. Investigating the security footage, Megan sees Hannah’s corpse crawling around in the building; she shows the footage to Lisa who does not believe her and accuses her of having a relapse on her addiction to pills. Lisa is killed by Hannah soon after after finding Dave’s body in the stairwell.
Still not scary, sweetie.
Soon after, Andrew calls Megan to tell her that Hannah Grace had died three months earlier and asks whether the given fingerprints was Hannah’s; Megan confirms it is and admits she took his pills, but she hadn’t taken any.
When Randy returns to the morgue to deliver another corpse, Megan shows Randy the healing body of Hannah; he says he believes her and shares that he also had an addiction to alcohol.
After Randy leaves the Morgue, Megan notices that the lift closes by itself and is going down; she investigates the security footage and sees a glimpse of Hannah’s body crawling inside the lift. She rushes down to the access bay to warn Randy, but Hannah has already killed him by crushing him between his vehicle and a pilar.
Suddenly, Andrew calls Megan to warn her that Grainger has escaped police custody after killing the two officers transporting him; suddenly, Grainger appears forces Megan to take him to Hannah’s body at gunpoint. Grainger explains to Megan that he is Hannah’s father, he tells her that numerous exorcisms failed because the demon possessing her was too strong; so strong, in fact, that it is even able to possess Hannah’s body after her death by killing people to heal itself. He tells her that Hannah had depression and it worsened until the demon was able to enter Hannah’s body. The blue eye color is the sign of the demon possessing Hannah.
Grainger asks why Hannah killed others but not Megan; she agrees to help Grainger cremate Hannah, but she reanimates and pushes Grainger into the fire; she then locks Megan inside her refrigerated drawer.
Andrew and Ernie come to Megan’s help. Hannah kills Ernie by slitting his neck and then tries to kill Andrew, but Megan forces herself to be calm; she takes Andrew’s firearm and shoots Hannah, she then drags her to the crematorium while Andrew calls for backup. After a brief struggle before the incinerator, Megan pushes Hannah into the fire, eventually killing the demon.
And they all lived happily ever after…
1/5: This was so boring. I liked the idea of a possessed corpse, but everything else around it was so cliche; there’s little to no creativity in the deaths and the jump scares – not that they actually caught me out – were minimal. From the beginning, you knew that someone was going to blame Megan’s past addiction on what she was experiencing, and obviously she was going to redeem herself for her past mistake by saving Andrew.
In the small town of Hawthorne, a man discovers a strange box in an empty field with a metal detector; he takes it home to show the Jack in the Box to his wife, but when his back is turned the box devours his wife and snaps shut.
Twelve years later, Casey Raynolds moves from the US to Hawthorne and takes up a job at the local museum, there he meets part time colleague, Lisa; Lisa explains Casey will see little of Manager Rachel and the museum is very quiet. While Casey helps Lisa clear out the storeroom, they discover a strange box hidden away; a handle suddenly appears and Casey turns it, the music plays and a strange clown doll pops out. Lisa calls an expert to meet with Casey the next day and treats him to dinner.
Creepy little thing
Lisa takes Casey to an American style diner to ‘remind him of home’. Casey asks Lisa what her future plan is, she admits that she hates the museum and there is no plan because her mum is ill, she just needs the money; Casey explains that he doesn’t get much sleep, but doesn’t say why he moved other than ‘a change of scenery’.
During the night, two men break into the museum. One of them finds the Jack in the Box and becomes Jack’s first victim, while the partner in crime tries to find his friend, he sees the figure of Jack down the hallway and hides – only to become victim number two.
Casey finds the door open the next morning and calls Lisa – who complains that it’s her day off; Casey explains there was a break-in and wants to check the CCTV, but Lisa tells him Rachel is too cheap to get it fixed and asks what is missing (but how would he know after only being there a day?). The expert, David, arrives to look at the box. David tells Casey that it likely came from France; he doesn’t know much more than that and can only remember the first name of a Demonology expert: Maurice.
While in the museum, a visitor becomes Jack’s third victim.
The next day, missing person posters have appeared by the museum of the last three victims. Casey researches the box, leading him to Maurice Ainsworth’s website on Demonology where he finds a page on the Jack in the Box; the French used the boxes to trap demons and then released them to do their bidding, Casey laughs at the idea, but then wonders if the toy clown has moved its head to watch him. Rachel arrives and tells him to move the box to the toy exhibit and then he can leave, once that is done Casey says goodbye to the cleaner on the way out and leaves.
While Mandy, the cleaner, wipes down the glass of the toy exhibit the box disappears; Mandy finds it on the stairs and tries to sneak past it, only to become victim number four.
When Lisa arrives at the museum the next morning Casey is already there, sitting in the stairwell and playing back an old voicemail of a woman in distress; he tells Lisa that the voicemail was from his fiance – he ignored her call when she needed him and she died during a mugging, it’s the reason he struggles to sleep at night.
An officer arrives about Mandy, she’d been reported missing and Casey agrees to be interviewed since he saw her last; Casey admits he didn’t know her very well but she seemed normal, but when the officer asks about anything strange Casey falters – thinking back to the box and then brushing it off, suspicion only grows when Casey asks the officer if he believed in the supernatural or if he had encountered something supernatural on a case, the officer says he hadn’t, that stories like that just make people all the more guilty.
Casey tries to call Maurice about the box but is ignored, resulting in him calling an old friend to track him down. After Casey encounters Jack himself, he tracks down the original owner and visits him; reluctant at first, Norman agrees to speak with him.
Norman still fears Jack
Norman tells Casey that he spent ten years in prison for his wife’s murder and couldn’t convince anyone else that it was because of the box – now he just wants to be left alone and warns Casey to get as far away from the box as possible. Instead, Casey tries to burn it only for it to be back at the museum the next day; Rachel has decided to come in and fires Casey over the things he’s said about the box to Lisa.
Casey’s friend has the address for Maurice, so he heads up there to discuss the box; Maurice tells him that Casey is the contract holder and Jack will not hurt him, but Jack needs to kill in order to keep living – three years for every kill and his maximum body count is six; Casey must stab him through the heart and recite an incantation once Jack is back in his box – however, nothing of Jack can remain outside the box, or Jack will continue killing until he reaches his total.
At the museum, Lisa goes out for lunch and Rachel becomes victim number five; once Lisa returns, Jack begins to chase her around the museum eventually cornering her and injuring her just as Casey arrives to save her. Jack knocks Casey unconscious briefly and turns his attention back to Lisa; Casey manages to crawl and grab a fire poker, stabbing Jack through the back. The box begins to suck Jack back inside and the clown grips the edge, Casey recites the incantation and the box snaps shut.
Can Lisa survive?
The police arrive and arrest Casey, who pleads his innocence; they don’t believe Lisa either but Casey tells her to get rid of the box where no one will find it. While being interrogated, Casey is shown a picture of the remains of Rachel when he notices another picture underneath, he moves it aside to find evidence of a single claw and begs officers to help Lisa; meanwhile, while she buries the box in a vast, empty field, Lisa is the sixth and final victim.
4.5/5: Jack in the Box has some great potential. Both the designs on the doll clown and Jack himself are really well done and creepy; there’s a solid, well thought out lore behind the demon and the film itself is well paced. It’s just missing something to make it perfect…
My only nitpick is continuity. First is that Jack never seems to leave any evidence of his killings until Rachel, where he leaves a bloody puddle and her foot; the second is the timeline of events, from Norman’s wife going missing, to the present day plot of the film the passage of time is stated at twelve years, however Norman says that he spent fifteen years trying to clear his name.
Other than that, a good film. I’m looking forward to Jack in the Box: Awakening.
Sharknado sounds like a bad film with the worst CGI effects, and either starring celebrities we’ve never heard of, or those who haven’t been in a film in years; this film series is exactly that and more – and it succeeds in being the so-bad-it’s-good that it has six films overall.
The first trio of films took themselves fairly seriously – these are about shark tornados, how serious can you get? – and tapered off into something outlandish and off the wall where you’re left wondering who smoked what in the writer’s room; the following three films fell into long running puns, jabs at classics and, somewhere, even weirder stories which somehow contained lore.
Yes, you read right, Sharknado has LORE! Sharknados have been around since the dawn of the dinosaurs and were controlled by a mystical stone and machine in Egypt; either to summon or disperse the phenomenon at will.
After a marathon, I’m still not sure…
However, this series has kept one theme close to its heart: Family. Fin Shepherd’s undying devotion to wife, April, and their kids shouts loud and proud with each silly sequel; no matter the place, era, robot or human, Fin’s main goal has always been his family.
Is that what has made Sharknado so successful? Or was it the balls the writers and producers had to see how far they could take the idea?
This success and following has led to some major celebrity cameos; from Frankie Muniz all the way to Dolph Lundgren, this includes Gilbert Gottfried, Alaska (Rupaul’s Drag Race), Dog the Bounty Hunter, Neil Degrasse Tyson and many more!
I miss Malcolm in the Middle…
The characters are really enjoyable. The whole Shepherd family live by a ride or die attitude, Nova is a great badass addition that gives the films a kick ass female lead – not that April doesn’t kick ass herself, but something about Nova just screams ‘girl power’ in every film she’s in; Sky was also a great addition when needed.
Did the series end on a strong note? Not really, but where do you end a series of films based on a tornado full of sharks? Could it have been left alone at number five, with Fin lost to a destroyed world? Did it need the wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey plot to bring about a happily ever after that six gave us? No, but we also didn’t need five whole sequels and we got them anyway!
Yes, that’s a dinosaur. Yes, it is Sharknado related.
I think, despite the ‘get out of jail free’ ending where the world resets, Sharknado brings chaotic enjoyment that you don’t have to think too hard about; it’s a dumb set of films brilliantly executed and you can laugh over the cameo appearances of celebs you like – or dislike – along the way.
The tribute to John Heard at the end of five was also very nice.
Kevin’s dad tried to escape the Mafia life…then he got eaten.
I love this series, it contains all my favourite things a ‘bad’ horror film should have; I’m sad to see the end, but happy to have enjoyed the crazy ride!
Frankenstein, myth or a truth so bizarre it becomes fiction? In this shark tale Frankenstein was very much real, and towards the end of WW2 a secret experiment on his heart and brain was discovered by Nazis with a plan to create a superhuman army.
Sixty years later, a sleepy town of Katzman Cove is suddenly plagued with disappearances of swimmers and boats; Duke Lawson – Harbor Patrol – is on the case, but isn’t coming up with any leads.
Three friends, Madge, Coop and Skip, are driving down to Katzman Cove to rent a boat for the day; Coop tells them about the incidents, but are unaware they are the work of mad scientist Klaus and his handmade shark. They arrive at the dock and meet Hoskins, their mute captain for the day, and begin to enjoy the sun and cooling waters of the cove.
Look at that cheesy CGI baby!
Body parts and life jackets begin to wash up onto the banks, along with chunks of other sharks; Duke is convinced there’s something larger than a great white out there, but the reality is that the shark remains are the unused parts of Sharkenstein. Duke takes his boat out on the cove and meets with Hoskin and the others, telling them they need to go back to the docks; the three friends convince him to let them finish their lunch first and Duke heads back to shore. As they’re about to leave, something strikes the boat and breaks the propeller; Coop and Skip decide to check out a nearby island and Madge reluctantly tags along.
Skip (middle): hello there, fellow young people
A bag materialises out of nowhere and the trio dry off and change. They begin to explore the island unaware they’re close to Klaus’ hideout. Meanwhile, Duke has sent out divers to investigate the waters, but they’re all eaten by the shark.
Madge, Coop and Skip find an old house and head inside just as Klaus recalls his experiment to its tank; the trio find the tank and are held hostage by Klaus and his poor German accent, he explains he created the shark out of the three most deadly species and now plans to transplant Frankenstein’s heart and brain into it. Klaus forces them to help, bringing it back to life with a well timed thunder storm, and locks them away while he tries to control his new creature; he orders it to kill Hoskins, and after it does it turns on its creator and begins to destroy the hideout with the others still inside.
Madge and Coop manage to escape, but Skip is killed in the water by Sharkenstein. Duke pulls the other two from the water (and they are suspiciously dry) and they head back to the dock with the shark giving chase; they make it back and the shark flops onto the deck, they think they’re safe until another storm strikes it again and it mutates!
A true land shark!
Duke scares it away with some fire and it takes off into the woods. Madge decides it’s safer with Duke and her responsibility to kill Sharkenstein while Coop would rather save his own skin – leading him to be eaten by the land shark later in the woods.
The mutated creature is already attracting attention; while snacking on some cows, the owner discovers it and she begins to shoot at it, chasing it away; she then manages to form a small mob without any proof the monster exists.
Duke and Madge head to the old lighthouse (while Madge flexes her Frankenstein film knowledge) where dynamite is kept and they rig the place from top to bottom with the explosives with a plan to lure the shark inside; Duke ‘cuts’ his arm to attract the creature and is chased inside, but the angry mob isn’t far behind and sets the place alight – Madge tries to stop them, but Duke is trapped and killed in the explosion. Dazed, Madge heads back to the docks and is attacked by Sharkenstein from the water!
3/5: Sharkenstein has the right amount of bad CGI to make it comical, but got a little too silly towards the end; we probably could have done without the ‘sex’ scene with former porn star Bonnie Boom-Boom! The acting is subpar and Klaus can’t hold the German accent, there’s also the CGI rain and fire – and Duke’s ‘cut’ is just a smudge of fake blood on his arm! Other than that, there’s some well fleshed lore but I’m disappointed there isn’t a hint of ‘Son of Sharkenstein’ after that scene with Bonnie.
Look at that cover, the one that promises explosions, ruined buildings and awesome dinosaurs…
I was fooled by the cover again. This should be considered false advertisement!
Jurassic Thunder had the potential to be so-bad-it’s-good kind of film; instead, driven by a need to have dinosaurs with mounted machines guns, the creator comes up with this mess of dino shit. Now, I love me some shit CGI and photoshop effects, just not in every scene; so, rather than trying to follow the random, thrown together by a five year old, plot I’m distracted by ‘actors’ shooting in random directions, or waving their arms in some fashion in an attempt to look like they’re trying to help land a plane, or direct something moving around by crane; oh, and let’s not forget the scene where a guy has literal shit photoshopped onto his face in one frame, and the next it’s normal, uh, ‘effects’ – was that some post shooting editing?
Now, the ‘plot’. Take an African jungle, throw in a virus turning people into zombies – or cannibals, it’s never clarified – and apparently the only way to solve the problem while avoiding WW3 is…Russian Weaponized Dinosaurs; but wait, the dinos have a protein in them that attracts and spreads the virus…somehow.
How were these dinos created? No idea. I mean, this all takes place in a comic book afterall.
Oh, did I forget to mention that? It’s because it doesn’t excuse how shit it is.
…I’m saying shit a lot, it really says something about the quality of this…’film’.
EVERYTHING HERE IS PHOTOSHOP!!!
This is filled with overused…jokes, for lack of a better word. The US President and African General slap-fighting as holograms, Col. Sanders (KFC, we get it!) and the imitation of Trump that was funny the first time, but just sad every time after that.
I think the only redeeming quality of this is that the dinos look good; you can tell the budget was spent on them – the entire budget by the looks of it.
A lot of the budget might have gone here, too…
So, how does this mess of a ‘film’ end? After four Commandos fail to actually be of any use – and one somehow becomes a not-zombie – a dino begins to headbutt a nuclear missile that just happens to be laying around in the jungle, which then explodes; Trump rides off into the desert sunset on a dino and…then end. Thank god.
Was this guy fictional or not?
1/5: I don’t mind movies that don’t take themselves seriously, but this film did that so much that I think they lost the plot – no pun intended. It stopped being funny after the first five minutes.
GONGPO REVIEW 