Sharkenstein

Not as cool as it looks

Frankenstein, myth or a truth so bizarre it becomes fiction? In this shark tale Frankenstein was very much real, and towards the end of WW2 a secret experiment on his heart and brain was discovered by Nazis with a plan to create a superhuman army.

Sixty years later, a sleepy town of Katzman Cove is suddenly plagued with disappearances of swimmers and boats; Duke Lawson – Harbor Patrol – is on the case, but isn’t coming up with any leads.

Three friends, Madge, Coop and Skip, are driving down to Katzman Cove to rent a boat for the day; Coop tells them about the incidents, but are unaware they are the work of mad scientist Klaus and his handmade shark. They arrive at the dock and meet Hoskins, their mute captain for the day, and begin to enjoy the sun and cooling waters of the cove.

Look at that cheesy CGI baby!

Body parts and life jackets begin to wash up onto the banks, along with chunks of other sharks; Duke is convinced there’s something larger than a great white out there, but the reality is that the shark remains are the unused parts of Sharkenstein. Duke takes his boat out on the cove and meets with Hoskin and the others, telling them they need to go back to the docks; the three friends convince him to let them finish their lunch first and Duke heads back to shore. As they’re about to leave, something strikes the boat and breaks the propeller; Coop and Skip decide to check out a nearby island and Madge reluctantly tags along.

Skip (middle): hello there, fellow young people

A bag materialises out of nowhere and the trio dry off and change. They begin to explore the island unaware they’re close to Klaus’ hideout. Meanwhile, Duke has sent out divers to investigate the waters, but they’re all eaten by the shark.

Madge, Coop and Skip find an old house and head inside just as Klaus recalls his experiment to its tank; the trio find the tank and are held hostage by Klaus and his poor German accent, he explains he created the shark out of the three most deadly species and now plans to transplant Frankenstein’s heart and brain into it. Klaus forces them to help, bringing it back to life with a well timed thunder storm, and locks them away while he tries to control his new creature; he orders it to kill Hoskins, and after it does it turns on its creator and begins to destroy the hideout with the others still inside.

Madge and Coop manage to escape, but Skip is killed in the water by Sharkenstein. Duke pulls the other two from the water (and they are suspiciously dry) and they head back to the dock with the shark giving chase; they make it back and the shark flops onto the deck, they think they’re safe until another storm strikes it again and it mutates!

A true land shark!

Duke scares it away with some fire and it takes off into the woods. Madge decides it’s safer with Duke and her responsibility to kill Sharkenstein while Coop would rather save his own skin – leading him to be eaten by the land shark later in the woods.

The mutated creature is already attracting attention; while snacking on some cows, the owner discovers it and she begins to shoot at it, chasing it away; she then manages to form a small mob without any proof the monster exists.

Duke and Madge head to the old lighthouse (while Madge flexes her Frankenstein film knowledge) where dynamite is kept and they rig the place from top to bottom with the explosives with a plan to lure the shark inside; Duke ‘cuts’ his arm to attract the creature and is chased inside, but the angry mob isn’t far behind and sets the place alight – Madge tries to stop them, but Duke is trapped and killed in the explosion. Dazed, Madge heads back to the docks and is attacked by Sharkenstein from the water!

3/5: Sharkenstein has the right amount of bad CGI to make it comical, but got a little too silly towards the end; we probably could have done without the ‘sex’ scene with former porn star Bonnie Boom-Boom! The acting is subpar and Klaus can’t hold the German accent, there’s also the CGI rain and fire – and Duke’s ‘cut’ is just a smudge of fake blood on his arm! Other than that, there’s some well fleshed lore but I’m disappointed there isn’t a hint of ‘Son of Sharkenstein’ after that scene with Bonnie.

Jurassic Thunder

Jurassic Flop!

Look at that cover, the one that promises explosions, ruined buildings and awesome dinosaurs…

I was fooled by the cover again. This should be considered false advertisement!

Jurassic Thunder had the potential to be so-bad-it’s-good kind of film; instead, driven by a need to have dinosaurs with mounted machines guns, the creator comes up with this mess of dino shit. Now, I love me some shit CGI and photoshop effects, just not in every scene; so, rather than trying to follow the random, thrown together by a five year old, plot I’m distracted by ‘actors’ shooting in random directions, or waving their arms in some fashion in an attempt to look like they’re trying to help land a plane, or direct something moving around by crane; oh, and let’s not forget the scene where a guy has literal shit photoshopped onto his face in one frame, and the next it’s normal, uh, ‘effects’ – was that some post shooting editing?

Now, the ‘plot’. Take an African jungle, throw in a virus turning people into zombies – or cannibals, it’s never clarified – and apparently the only way to solve the problem while avoiding WW3 is…Russian Weaponized Dinosaurs; but wait, the dinos have a protein in them that attracts and spreads the virus…somehow.

How were these dinos created? No idea. I mean, this all takes place in a comic book afterall.

Oh, did I forget to mention that? It’s because it doesn’t excuse how shit it is.

…I’m saying shit a lot, it really says something about the quality of this…’film’.

EVERYTHING HERE IS PHOTOSHOP!!!

This is filled with overused…jokes, for lack of a better word. The US President and African General slap-fighting as holograms, Col. Sanders (KFC, we get it!) and the imitation of Trump that was funny the first time, but just sad every time after that.

I think the only redeeming quality of this is that the dinos look good; you can tell the budget was spent on them – the entire budget by the looks of it.

A lot of the budget might have gone here, too…

So, how does this mess of a ‘film’ end? After four Commandos fail to actually be of any use – and one somehow becomes a not-zombie – a dino begins to headbutt a nuclear missile that just happens to be laying around in the jungle, which then explodes; Trump rides off into the desert sunset on a dino and…then end. Thank god.

Was this guy fictional or not?

1/5: I don’t mind movies that don’t take themselves seriously, but this film did that so much that I think they lost the plot – no pun intended. It stopped being funny after the first five minutes.

Gags the Clown

Sooo, what’s the joke?

Gags the Clown is supposed to be a portrayal of how society obsesses over something so simple; how a man in a clown costume standing motionless captivates the media and the world. While this is an interesting concept, it obviously doesn’t make for a good film, so throw together some found footage and a flimsy lore and you have this: Gags the Clown.

The film is from the POV footage of Wisconsin PD officers Renard and Gruber, teenage friends Sara, Tyler and Chris, news reporter Heather Duprey and cameraman Dale, and Podcaster Charles Wright and producer Wayne; there’s other footage from CCTV and other cops as they stumble across other clown related scenes, but it mostly focuses on these four groups.

Renard and Gruber are called to a parking complex where a woman claims they were attacked by a clown, her boyfriend is missing and their friend…exploded off camera during their escape.

Tyler and Chris think Gags is a great way to prank people, so they go with Sara to a party and scare the host – who is afraid of clowns – but when the party is crashed later by Renard and Gruber, it turns out Renard is Sara’s stepmother and orders her home; instead, she tags along with Tyler and Chris to prank random people.

Here’s some thrown together lore for you

While viewers are led to believe that Gags is some kind of supernatural being, as he flickers between distorted frames of footage; the film tries to justify this with some lazy backstory. Poor Heather is sick of being on ‘Gags Watch’, chasing baseless leads and interviewing a crackpot store owner – who claims Gags is a clown from 1974, he was a circus clown and a fire apparently killed the whole troop.

Meanwhile, Renard and Gruber are notified of people being admitted to hospital for self mutilation and covered in a strange white powder, and they’ve all disappeared while receiving treatment; the film explains the powder as either the drug ‘Bath Bombs’, or cocaine in some other footage.

During all this, Charles Wright – self proclaimed military vet – rants on his podcast about how stupid the whole Gags obsession is, promising to go find the clown himself if his video gets five hundred shares; later, exceeding the target, Charles streams to his followers choosing his guns of choice and beginning the hunt.

Heather is chewed out by her boss when she misses the opportunity to interview Charles first and is beaten by a rival news team; he throws her off the Gags Watch and orders them to return the van, but Heather decides to stay with it and find Charles to capture him shooting someone. Heather clearly sucks at her job since it takes her while to realise that to find Charles she should follow his social media!

Elsewhere, Chris and Tyler try to prank a local fairground, but Chris wouldn’t be let in while wearing the costume; they decide to enjoy the rides for a while when Chris finds a black balloon – which pops and covers him in powder, making him violently ill. Tyler discovers Charles’ first attempt to confront Gags was a bust, but has followed him to an old factory; Tyler thinks it’s a great opportunity to mess with Charles, but Sara wants to take Chris to the hospital. Chris stays with Tyler and they prepare their prank.

Does this count as a Ride-along?

Renard and Gruber report to a break-in, where they find the missing boyfriend from earlier in the evening; he has mutilated his face in a restaurant kitchen and makes his way towards the pair, Gruber shoots him, seemingly killing him, but he gets up, runs out the back and disappears. The pair then catch wind of Gags being at the old factory and head over there.

Heather and Dale are already there, making their way through the dark maze of hallways, following the carnival music leading them to a small circus tent.

Tyler has lost track of Chris, but bumps into someone else, who has mutilated their face, and runs away.

Charles and Wayne are still looking for Gags, when a clown screaming for help runs towards them; Charles shoots, killing them instantly. He then admits that while he was in the military it was as a mechanic and he never saw combat – let alone kill anyone; he blames Wayne for egging him on, but Wayne tells him he recorded the whole thing. They’re startled by Renard and Gruber shouting in the distance and make a run for it.

The cops find the dead clown and Renard confirms it’s Tyler; she begins to panic and splits from Gruber while trying to call Sara, thinking she’s in the building somewhere. Renard falls through a floor and lays, presumably dying, as Sara tells her over the phone that she’s never replace her mother.

Welcome to the Gags show?

Gruber has chased Charles and Wayne into the tent where Heather and Dale are already waiting quietly, too scared to move in case the missing people attack them. Charles tries to tell Gruber that Wayne shot the clown and the scene descends into chaos as the show begins; Wayne shoots Charles, Gruber shoots Wayne, Dale runs leaving Heather alone, and the Gags victims begin to crowd around Gruber.

Outside, a rival news team arrives as Heather escapes. The camera follows her as she bumps into Gags on the grass verge; the camera pans and follows the balloons he releases and then switches back to Heather, who has been gifted a balloon of herself, and Gags no longer there; Heather begins to laugh hysterically and spontaneously explodes.

News reporter, Rebecca Chambers, brushes a piece of Heather from her hair and smiles: ‘Go live’.

2/5: I must have missed the joke here because I find this film neither suspenseful nor comedic. It feels like the writers took two different ideas and mashed them into one film, leaving behind a lazy excuse of a found footage horror film. While the choppy story progressed just fine, the ending was chaotic, rushed and unexplained. Was Gags the clown from 1974? What exactly is that powder in the balloons? Why, and how, did Heather explode?

The only reason it has a two, is because I did find the idea of the film interesting – just not the execution.