Polaroid

Say cheese and die!

Viewer beware, you’re in for a scare!

If this film was actually scary…

I don’t scare easy, I admit to that; I’ve been watching horror since I was twelve, and before that I spent time watching my brother play the early Resident Evil games from the age of eight – so it’s hard to find something that gives me a good scare, therefore I settle on gore.

This has none.

The film opens on two friends going through a box of things, finding an old polaroid camera and discussing how the owner’s mother liked to use it before she died – likely by the demon as they find a polaroid picture of the mother; the daughter’s friend then receives a text about a lingerie photo and pressures her friend into taking that type of photo, too. They take it with the polaroid camera, and the friend asks why it’s not ‘working’, which seems odd to me since polaroids have made a little comeback over the last two years…

Anyway, friend leaves, daughter dies. Let’s skip ahead!

I’ve had ‘Bird is the Word’ stuck in my head since watching this film!!

School picture day introduces us to Bird, aka Scarf-girl, a shy budding photographer with social issues; as she leaves school, she takes a picture of popular Connor before heading to her job in an antique store, she’s trying to fix a pocket watch when her friend, Tyler, comes in with a box from a yard sale – the box contains the evil camera.

Bird takes Tyler’s picture, he tries to kiss her while she’s checking out a smudge in the photo and she bolts home with the camera and film. Her BFF Kasey comes around to take her to Avery’s belated Halloween party, bringing her a Red Riding Hood cloak to wear; they meet friends, Devin and Mina in the car.

Meanwhile, Tyler is the first victim of the fifty-a-day-smoker sounding Entity. Not sure how he’s killed, it’s all done off-screen like the previous victim.

The group arrive at Avery’s, who’s dressed as a ‘sexy fortune teller’ and hands out tarot cards to Devin, Mina and Kasey, but makes Bird pick her own: Death. Avery comments that it’s a bad card, but anyone with real tarot knowledge knows it isn’t. Film’s foreshadowing is fail.

Bird splits from the group when she sees a masked guest staring at her, but it catches up with her upstairs and turns out to be Connor; he asks if his picture turned out good, and she plays it off as her just testing her camera and it just happened to be in his direction. He seems to like her, but it’s hard to understand why if she’s known as the school freak and he’s Mr. Popular.

Connor finds the camera in her bag and she explains it’s an old Polaroid; her friend’s join them upstairs and they take a group photo.

Bird notices a shadow in the picture she took and Avery takes the camera for a selfie, but isn’t impressed; someone yells to the hostess that the police have arrived and they’re there for Bird.

The Sheriff questions her about Tyler and tells her he died in the antique shop. At home, she looks through the polaroids she has; the smudge has disappeared from Tyler’s photo, as has the shadow from the group shot – now there’s one looming in Avery’s picture. Bird contemplates calling Avery (although I don’t know why she’d have her number, Avery didn’t seem to like her) but brushes it off and goes to sleep.

The Entity stalks his prey and snaps Avery’s neck.

Next day, Kasey tells Bird that Avery had slipped down her basement steps and broken her neck – twisted around like something from the Exorcist, but notes that Avery wasn’t even drunk when they left. Bird checks the photos. The shadow is now back in the group photo.

Bird then tells her friends that the camera might be haunted and that they’re next. Devin decides to just burn the picture, but as the flames spread Mina’s arm catches fire; Connor tries to put her out with the extinguisher and Kasey’s hair begins to smoke. Bird pats out the flames on the picture and the polaroid magically restores itself.

This is actually an interesting concept.

At the hospital, the group question Bird more about the camera and she remembers it came with a case that she left at the store; she and Connor head there where she sneaks in through a back vent while Connor is on lookout. As he waits, he studies the group photo closer and the camera begins to make a noise as though the flash is charging. The Entity is nearby. In the store, Bird finds the case, but is then chased by The Entity; she almost chokes when her scarf catches on a loose nail, but Connor saves her in time; she questions why it’s after her and Connor points out that she’s in the window’s reflection in the photo – she’s technically in the shot, too.

Failing to kill Bird, The Entity goes after bed bound Mina; when Devin checks on her she’s seemingly nowhere to be found – until her body drops down from the ceiling. Devin explains to the cops that Mina didn’t hang herself, just as Bird and Connor arrive; Devin blames Bird and she runs off. Connor follows.

Bird recalls the accident that killed her father to Connor; she feels guilty about being a brat when she was twelve and making her father turn the car around resulting in the crash – though that doesn’t explain exactly how she got her scar on her neck. Connor reassures her that her father wouldn’t blame her and that this situation isn’t her fault, she says that, as a reporter, he’d be trying to figure it all out; they check the case and find an old evidence tag, a little digging leads then to an article about a teacher torturing and killing students while taking photos.

The camera belonged to former photography teacher Roland Joseph Sable.

They regroup at a diner, but Devin is still blaming Bird for Mina’s death; he tries to take a picture of her, but Connor wrestles the camera from him and accidently takes a picture of Devin in the process – Devin tries again, but Kasey stops him by damaging his picture and he accidently lashes out at a cop in anger.

Connor and Bird try to explain Devin’s actions to the Sheriff, and that the ghost of Roland is coming for him – they need to get to his old house to find out more; the Sheriff warns them away from the house but lets them see their friend before they leave. Devin apologises to Bird, Kasey calls to inform her that the house still belongs to Roland’s wife – she just changed the name on the house deed.

The pair meet Lena Sable and Bird convinces her that she owns her husband’s camera; Lena says the camera belonged to Rebecca – their daughter – who was tricked into taking sleazy photos and killed herself from embarrassment when the photos where shown to her peers; Roland killed the students who took the photos, but one survived when he was killed by the police, still holding the camera.

Roland kills Devin the his holding cell and swiftly moves on to Bird and Connor; they break into the school to look for old student yearbooks and find Roland’s last victim: the Sheriff.

The Sheriff has already caught up to them and grabbed Kasey along the way; Connor takes his photo for Roland to target, but the Sheriff explains Lena lied, he and his friend’s were helping Rebecca escape from Roland who was sexually abusing her – he killed them to stop them from talking and using the photos as evidence, and then Rebecca killed herself in guilt.

I didn’t know Voldemort was in this

Roland appears and rips the Sheriff’s picture in half. Surprisingly, the Sheriff splits in half very cleanly…no blood…no senew splitting apart but by bit…

The only on-screen death was very disappointing…

Kasey and Bird split from Connor and hide in the showers; Bird turns them all one to create heat and that keeps Roland away from them, so Bird leaves Kasey there to find Connor. Connor finds her first and she says she has an idea, but they need the camera; Roland finds them just as they recover it and drags Connor away, so Bird takes a photo of herself to become his target. She runs into the basement and into the dark room where Roland first died; they get into a scuffle, she manages to take his picture and crumple it in her hand – it only stops him momentarily so she sets the photo on fire, killing Roland for good.

Once Bird throws the camera into the river, life continues as normal…

I was so mad by the end of this film. Polaroid had a lot of potential in the horror department but the creators just wussed out on any gorey creativity; which is a shame, because despite the cliches, it has a good story to it…even if it’s slightly ripped from the old Goosebumps ‘Say Cheese and Die’ of season 1 episode 15. They even share a character called ‘Bird’.

Oh and Life is Strange, it ripped a little off that, too.

If you’re not familiar with either, Life is Strange had a Photography teacher who drugged his female students to take sleazy photos of them.

This game also featured polaroid photos!

Granted, it’s not exactly the same, but the plot of Roland taking photos of his daughter was enough to remind me of this.

To be fair, I loved Goosebumps as a kid!

Say Cheese and Die. Well, although the photos in that predicted people’s deaths, there’s a scene in the book where one photo shows the victim being chased by a shadow; and the villian dies by having his photo taken by the same camera.

Rating: 2/5. It’s an interesting expansion of the old Goosebump story, and I enjoyed the twist that Rebecca’s bullies were actually her friends; however, off-screen killings are boring and you don’t see the aftermath of Tyler, Avery and Devin’s deaths, the lack of gore with the Sheriff’s death was also a huge letdown!

Gerald’s Game

When sex games go wrong

It’s hard to find a good horror film based around Valentine’s; a search through Netflix yielded little, until a trailer for a romantic getaway gone wrong.

Gerald’s Game, based on the novel by Stephen King, brings little when it comes to gore but plays big psychologically.

The story begins with Jessie and husband Gerald driving to their holiday home to rekindle their marriage; they almost hit a stray dog along the way, and Gerald refuses to go back for it.

At the home, dear husband has had the house cleaned and stocked with food – the pair won’t be bothered all weekend; Jessie cuts up $200 meat to feed the poor dog in the woods. Gerald is eager to get things moving along, leading his wife inside and, for some reason, leaving the door wide open.

Jessie’s bought a brand new slip nightie for the special event, so new she almost leaves the tag on. Ripping it off, she hides it on the shelf above the bed before choosing her alluring position on the sheets; Gerald has popped a viagra and leaves the glass of water on the shelf, too, and then surprises her with a set of handcuffs.

Restrained to the bedposts, Jessie begins to panic when her husband begins to play out a rape scenario; past trauma catches up with her and she tells him to stop, and he berates her for now ruining the weekend before suddenly dropping dead on top of Jessie.

Jessie manages to push Gerald off the end of the bed, and if he hadn’t died from the heart attack he’s now dead from the blow to the head. In a panic, Jessie screams for five hours for help.

Remember the door they left open? In strolls that hungry dog, sniffing out Gerald’s corpse for a meal; Jessie tries to scare it away, but it takes a chunk out of him.

Should have taken in the dog, Gerald. Also, erectile dysfunction happens to guys who hate dogs.

To her surprise, Gerald suddenly gets up, only to quickly discover that she’s hallucinating; Gerald is still dead on the floor and this version of him is quick to berate her for wasting so much time screaming for help, as well as blaming her for their marriage problems. I’m left to wonder if it’s just her subconscious beating her down, or if Gerald was actually emotionally abusive when he was alive.

Jessie finally manages to slip out of the cuffs and turns to gloat to her husband, yet she’s still trapped on the bed – another hallucination caused by dehydration. The three of them discuss things Jessie never wanted to face – such as her sleepwalking that Gerald never seemed to notice – and the hallucinations remind her that there’s a glass of water above her; she manages to get it down but can’t bring it close enough to drink. Gerald says to her again that he liked her slip, reminding her that she has the tag on the shelf, too; she uses that as a straw to drink with.

Jessie falls asleep, but is woken again in the night by the dog, she sees what looks like Lurch’s cousin standing in a dark corner with a bag full of bones and jewelry; Jessie closes her eyes again and exclaims that he’s not real, Gerald claims the figure is death coming to get her and begins to call her ‘Mouse’ – this reminds her of a time when she was younger.

A flashback dream shows twelve year old Jessie arrive at a cabin by the lake with her family to watch the eclipse; her dad is the one who affectionately calls her ‘Mouse’, and she’s very much a daddy’s girl. Young Jessie doesn’t want to go out on the boat with the rest of the family, so she and dad stay behind; he says he misses when she sat on his knee when she was younger, she offers to sit on his knee and he masturbates while she watches the eclipse.

Bare shoulders are kinky to a pervert!

Jessie wakes again in pain from her cut off circulation and cramp in her legs. The two hallucinations are skeptical about the secret she kept for all those years not being a burden to her marriage – despite marrying a man just like her father. Jessie’s dad apologised for what he did, but manipulated her into keeping a secret. There are some suggestions later that he may have taken things further with her, using handcuffs.

Gerald teases Jessie about the figure he calls ‘the man made of moonlight’, pointing out a bloody footprint on the floor; when she denies he’s real, Gerald points out that the dog left around the same time the figure appeared.

Other Jessie reminds her of the event after the eclipse, when she sat down to dinner with family and broke a glass from holding it too tight; she’d cut her hand, leading to Jessie planning her escape with the hallucination version of herself helping her through it. She manages to break the glass against the shelf and cut her own wrist to slip free, but almost completely skins her hand in the process.

Jessie drags the bed to the bathroom to unlock her other hand, then fashions a bandage out a sanitary pads before trying to phone for help; her phone is dead and there doesn’t seem to be a landline. Jessie passes out next to Gerald’s body and wakes later to see his face half eaten; as she escapes, she meets the man made of moonlight and offers her ring to him and taking off in the car – he suddenly appears in the back and she crashes into a tree. A couple in a house nearby find her and save her.

Six months later, she’s writing a letter to her younger self, explaining she feigned amnesia to the police to avoid recalling the situation, and she’d set up a foundation for victims of sexual abuse with Gerald’s life insurance. She’s also had several skin grafts on her hand.

It also turns out that Lurch’s cousin was real afterall: a murderer, grave robber and collector of bones who also eats the faces of male corpses – Jessie thought it had been the dog.

A face only a mother could love

She goes the trial of the man made of moonlight; when they comes face to face he exclaims ‘you’re not real’, letting the viewers know he had been in the house all along; Jessie sees her dad and Gerald in him and states ‘you’re so much smaller than I remember’ before walking out to get on with her life.

Gerald’s Game is a slow paced film, concentrating on the trauma Jessie suffered through as a child to help her overcome her current situation; however, it’s told well and the hallucinations of herself and her husband help to keep things from getting too boring.

3.5/5: For the slow pace and lack of gore.

Wounds

I’d like to say that I took this brief gap to clear my mind and sanity from Shark Exorcist; the truth is that I watched Little Evil and got more comedy than horror, and felt it wasn’t worth the time to review…

At least Little Evil was entertaining, unlike Wounds.

I’m not entirely sure what I just watched. I was expecting some Simulacra type horror, I think? Certainly not this cockroach snooze fest. So many questions left unanswered, so much to process in my tired brain while I write this rough draft.

What was the point in this film?!

At the time of writing this sentence, I have slept, fed and watered, and I’m still no clearer on what I wasted my time on; I still find myself staring into space trying to process the reasoning of some of the characters, the cockroaches, the portal/hole thing, who those teens were.

Was there some kind of cult? What is ‘Translation of Wounds’ Volumes one through three? What was summoned and why did it choose Will?

Was Will’s girlfriend, Carrie, fucking her professor?

I believe that a great film ends in a way that doesn’t have me deep diving into the net to find an explanation for the ending…or the film in general; unless it’s intentionally written for a sequel everything should be answered and wrapped in a bow – even this so-called ‘psychological thriller’ needs to fill in a lot of the gaps.

The premise of the film is that bartender, Will, finds a phone that was dropped in the bar after patreon, Eric, is glassed during a fight. Will takes the phone home and begins receiving messages from Garrett asking for help, that there’s something at home with him.

Carrie is IMMEDIATELY suspicious that Will is cheating once she spots the phone the next day. Yes, Will has an obvious thing for his friend Alishia, but there’s no background information that anything has happened between them before, and said friend has Jeffery. I’m much convinced that Carrie IS fucking Prof. Steve though.

Carrie’s a bitch. I’m just saying.

Will gets a text on the phone from Jason and tells him about the ‘pretty pictures’, leading Will through the gallery to some gorey photos and a strange video of a severed head; then he tries to call Garrett (and only ever Garrett for some reason), the phone makes some weird sounds and that’s that. Will is now the chosen one!

Cockroaches everywhere

Will decides to take the phone to his cop friends, but receives another text from Jason. Will is the ‘chosen one’ and they need that phone back. I assume Jason and his friends have been tracking the phone since someone has been seen in previous scenes following Will around; so once Will hallucinates that the phone is a giant roach and that he’s covered in them, one of the teens manages to grab the phone again and disappear.

Will continues on to the station to report the teens, but now lacks evidence without the phone; he proceeds to give a statement along these lines:
Cop: Did you get the plate number?
Will: Yeah, it began with a six.

No, Will, you did not get the plate number.

Will makes a move on Aleshia. Boring.

Will comes back from his cheating to find Carrie staring at some portal thing on her desktop. He digs a little deeper and find out she’s looked into Garrett and found him on a forum about some ritual that believes human are portals for other worldly beings – which then led to her staring at the screen. It still doesn’t explain the Translation of Wounds or anything.

If you stare long into the abyss…

After a weird dream involving Garrett, Will goes to work but Jeffery comes in all pissed that Will made a move on his girl; Carrie then texts him with an ominous ‘there’s something here with me’ and a picture of something sat on the bed. When Will rushes home, he finds her staring into the portal thing again – she’s been there so long she’s wet herself. He almost drowns her in the bath trying to clean her up.

Don’t almost drown your SO in a bloody bath, folks.

Will grows a pair and dumps Carrie the next morning, which she takes eerily well until he brings up the phone; then she quotes some philosophical shit about him being an empty shell. It made me wonder if she was either possessed or just crazy.

In search of a place to stay now that Carrie’s thrown him out, Will ends up at Eric’s, who still hasn’t fixed his face from the glassing two or three days before. Will remembers Doug phoned him to say Eric had a gift for him, and when questioned Will is led to the phone in the draw; Jason has text him.

Have you found the gift, wrapped in flesh?

As it dawns on Will that it means Eric’s face, the apartment begins to fill with roaches and covers the camera lens just as something interesting is finally about to happen.

Gross but not scary.

The credits rolled and I was pissed off that that was that!

I’ve made my feelings clear at the beginning of this review over all the unanswered questions. Straight to the rating.

1/5: Only because Eric’s face looked convincingly gross at the end.